Growing up with abuse & neglect has long lasting effects, including horrible fucking nightmares. Waking up in PTSD mode fearing an abuser and wanting to protect my babies is not something I’d recommend. Ever.

I woke up from a nightmare this morning. While mostly based in fiction, it was very real and rooted in a lot of real abuse I went through.

I was living with Mother again. They told me one of the piggies was dead. In reality, they moved him to the basement & were starving him in a clear tote. I yelled and screamed at them, crying and holding him. I took him and we went to the pet store and got things he needed – and then I moved all pets into my room and locked us in.

It reminds me of how she would adopt animals, make me their keeper, and brag about what a good person she was to take them in when she did almost nothing for them. I mean, fuck, she made me dissect one of my hamsters ‘for science’ after Teddy died from cancer. No, let’s not take Teddy to the vet and be humane, but watch her endure horrible pain as a tumor grows and impedes her ability to function and then kills her. Let’s not have a kind little moment for Teddy, but cut her open to ‘explore’ what cancer looks like.

I can still see, hear, and smell it all. I cried the whole time but she made me go through with it. I held Teddy afterward for as long as I could, crying and apologizing for everything before she made me just toss Teddy in the trash.

There are so many similar stories in my past – Mother forcing me to do things I would never do, letting pets ‘go’ outside instead of rehoming them once she got tired of them, etc. There’s the hypocrisy, too, of donating to organizations to save some animals while you neglect, abuse, and abandon others.

If nothing else so far has told you what an evil person Mother is, I think that can highlight it pretty fucking well. There has to be a special place in hell for abusers like this. I wish I believed in comeuppance happening, but I doubt it.

It’s so bad I didn’t want to get up and take my meds cause the piggies would be out of my sight for a few minutes. I finally did so, but only because my pain was overriding the fear and hypervigilance that comes with PTSD.

Jaq was the piggie in question, probably cause he recently had an infection so I’ve been extra worried about him anyway. He was very patient with me needing snuggles this morning, as was Gussy. I’m just grateful they know when something is wrong and when I need extra love.

It’s really hard to come down from all that.

One of the trickiest things is that I simply can’t stop everything I need to do because of PTSD. It’s certainly easier to practice self-care now that I work for myself, but still.

I know this was a nightmare. I know it wasn’t real. It felt very real, though, and was related to such gross things I’ve experienced. Coping afterward is hard, partially because I don’t know how to put into words what has happened.

My reaction, once I was able to calm down just a little bit, was to put on a scary movie.

I tend to watch scary things often. I never really caught on before to why that may be, but I think it helps my PTSD.

It’s no secret that I’ve always liked scary movies. I watched Child’s Play and Tales From the Crypt as a child – they were some of my favorites.

Now that I’m analyzing it, I wonder if part of my interest in scary things is because it’s almost like a return to normal. I haven’t been chased by a murderous doll or anything like that, but certainly feel at home in the fear that others avoid in avoiding these things.

In peeps with PTSD like me, our brains are kind of always set to ‘on.’ We’re prepared to face anything because of what we’ve been through. There are significant changes in the brain, for example. The hippocampus, which helps with memory retention, is smaller in size than in people without the condition. This also means it can’t help control how we access the memories, which helps cause flashbacks.

The amygdala controls our fear, stress, and emotions. Thanks to PTSD, that area becomes hyperactive and even enlarged. Combined with how the condition affects the prefrontal cortex, This means my emotional responses to things aren’t always what they should be. Most importantly, though, my brain is constantly in a state of fear or stress. It’s part of why I think I do really well with high-pressure deadline type situations, for example.

Basically, PTSD is a giant gateway to living in fear and stress – much like the situations that have caused the condition in the first place. It also keeps me in a state of hypervigilance.

I’ve mentioned that word a bit, but basically what it means is I’m ready for action. I’m ready to defend myself or fight for someone else or punch an attacker, etc. It’s like having a ton of potential energy, but only for defense.

I think this is part of why I like scary movies though.

T avoids scary movies. He doesn’t like the jumps or gore or any of it. For me, though, anticipating those things helps to utilize my PTSD in a positive way. That doesn’t guarantee that I won’t face an issue after watching horror movies all day, but my mind is more focused on the puzzle aspect than the scary one if that makes sense. It’s more about how horror theory will play out or what scares are used or the plot line.

From an emotional side, though, it also uses my fear reactions for some sort of enjoyment. I do so much better after watching scary movies or shows than I do even in therapy. The fear gets out through the emotions we feel as we watch these things.

It’s a weird therapeutic use of horror, but it works for me.