Self Love & Care: the danger of toxic people

Back in December, I wrote a beginner’s guide to self love & self care. It’s a subject that I would like to start talking about more – both because it is so very needed for the chronically ill and because I sorely need a boost of both. For this post, we’ll be talking about toxic relationships and their affects on the self.

We’ve all been in relationships, no matter the nature, where one person has more power than us. Generally that isn’t a problem. When you encounter or are forced to deal with someone toxic, it becomes a huge issue. You might notice that this person often goes on power trips. They may make passive aggressive comments or comments fishing for compliments: “Oh, that hat is so cute. I could never wear it.” We all know what they’re really trying to say…

We all do things like this occasionally, but toxic people make it a habit to be slyly rude or bring drama everywhere they go. For those people we always have to deal with, like bosses, there isn’t much that can be done to remedy the situation. However, personal relationships should not include this type of negative energy.

Toxic relationships can be hard to get away from. They can be like religious conversions, where you really have to go extreme to make the change. For some, that’s moving out unexpectedly or while this person is away. For others, it’s changing phone numbers and altering privacy settings on social media. Some even have to eliminate mutual friendships or ties with family to really get away.

People won’t often understand. They’ll misquote the blood is thicker than water thing and just no. First of all, that quote means the opposite of what everyone assumes – bonds you form are stronger than those you’re born into. Secondly, you have the right to walk away from anyone or anything that harms you. Thirdly? Who cares what other people think! The only opinion that matters in self care is yours. As long as you’re not harming someone or creating dangerous habits (I’m looking at you, credit card debt!), go for it.

If cutting off all contact with a toxic person in your life isn’t an option, you will want to alter the relationship so that you can gain the upper hand. There are too many ways to do this for me to be able to list them here, but moving out or changing your personal circumstances will often lead to this. You can then control just how much contact you have with this person, and in what context that contact happens. Maybe you can handle being around this person for an hour, but that’s the maximum. You can make sure to make yourself busy or unavailable for more than an hour at a time.

Perhaps, like myself, you deal with family members who can’t understand what no contact means. Dealing with the stress of my family situation right now is very difficult. The toxic people in my life have been trying to squeeze information out of family members, which makes it difficult to know who in my family is okay to talk to. This severely limits my abilities to communicate with family or family friends which is really hard.

After reflection though, I know that not having contact with the toxic people in my life is what I need. It preserves my mental and physical health, as I’m not as anxious or depressed or holding in emotions which is known to make me flare. I have more integrity because I’ve stopped lying to myself or trying to force myself into uncomfortable situations. I’m also a hell of a lot less angry. True, some of the things I’m processing about my past are hard and bring up anger or fear. I am sharing more of those emotions with others in healthy ways and looking at things logically.

In the last year, I have grown in so many ways. I think my visit in March of last year to DC with the Arthritis Advocacy Summit really helped cement in my mind that I was not dependent on anyone else. Sure, there are people in my life that I love and want in it. I would be sad to lose them. But I learned that I am self-sufficient, something that I was told I would never be – whether due to my illness or the fact that I didn’t react to things as some thought I should.

Regardless, the personal growth I’ve had is amazing. I like myself so much better right now than I did a year ago. I even wore some crop tops over the summer! I enjoy the things I’m doing at work. They’re challenging but fun and really (eventually at least) helping patients. I love my boss. She and I are so similar and, having kids about my age, she is incredibly nurturing. I enjoy the other health care providers and administrators I work with.

Whether your toxic relationship is with a parent, a significant other, a friend, or someone else, I hope that you realize how very worth the fight you are. You deserve to be happy. That happiness cannot be dependent on others though.

One more story…

Before the last year of shakeups in my familial situation, I was plagued by doubts. When I was alone – whether in the shower for 15 minutes or on a 90 minute car ride – I would sit and think about what I had done or was doing wrong. I would think about how I wasn’t good enough or the mistakes I made. It was so bad that I was barely sleeping unless I had some alcohol at our weekly trivia night or took a muscle relaxer. I wondered if I was good enough to meet my dad, to marry my husband, to be in my niece’s life. I felt very stuck because I couldn’t get past these roadblocks set up for me by others.

I won’t say all of that is gone. There are still times where I struggle with decisions or mistakes, like being less than understanding for my sister when she’s faced hard things. I’m not fussing over my shock when I ran into celebrities years ago though. I’m not plagued by thoughts of how I should’ve told Bob Uecker how much I think he’s awesome or gotten his autograph… and it’s not just because he returned an RSVP card from the wedding.

Okay, it might help.

The point is that without the toxicity in my life, I can finally learn how to allow myself to make mistakes and to forgive myself for them. I’m learning how to love myself because, without that influence of toxic people and the issues they bring, I’m FINALLY getting to learn who I really am. I’m learning more what I like, what I think is funny, and what I really want out of life.

Perhaps the best thing is I’m no longer held up to standards that I can’t reach. I’m never going to be the president or a high level diplomat. I’m not going to run a crazy successful business. I’ll never be model thin… though I wouldn’t want to be either. I will do what I can in my current job to help kids. I will do what I can to help chronically awesome peeps with my advocacy and to help open the eyes of some of these toxic politicians. I will love the heck out of my little guinea pigs, my niece, and my soon-to-be-born nephew. I will create whatever relationship with my father and the family that he and I want. I will spend time with friends and not be restrained by the expectation that I should be at home locked away. I will travel and goof around with my husband. I will laugh deeply and love more strongly.

Right now the only expectation that I hold myself to is to be happy and to rock this one life that I’ve got. I couldn’t make those decisions without eliminating the toxic elements in my life. I hope that you can make any changes you need to in this area as well. It has been the biggest change for my health, mental and physical.

A Beginner’s Guide to Self-Care and Self-Love

With the holidays around, everyone tends to overextend themselves whether it’s purchasing too many presents or cooking a lot. We often don’t get much thanks for the tasks we complete, because everyone is so busy helping out. Christmas especially can be overwhelming. For myself, I think a lot of it is centered on wanting things to be perfect – wanting to fit in, wanting to avoid fights or awkward moments, etc. It can also be overwhelming because you receive many gifts and don’t have enough time to give thanks or truly appreciate each one.
For those of us with chronic illnesses and a lack of spoons (read the Spoon Theory here), taking time for ourselves in any aspect is very important. We need time to recharge, to get refreshed. It is very hard to deem ourselves worthy of that time for so many reasons. Our society sees downtime as lazy and unproductive. We often feel we are not worth the work because we have other things or other people to worry about and help. We put others first. We don’t have the energy.
You can name your own reasons.
This year for me has been an exercise in learning and practicing not only self-care, but self-love. The two are intertwined, but not always connected. You can practice one without the other, like going to the doctor. That is an act of self-care, but may not be an act of self-love. Sometimes if you’re in enough pain, it’s more an act of desperation – wanting to be rid of the pain – than loving yourself enough to take care.

The first thing to know about both of these is that YOU ARE LOVED. You matter. The space you take up isn’t wasted. You bring something to the world that doesn’t exist without you, be it your quirky personality, cooking skills, or the compassion you have towards others.

The second thing to know is that you are not alone. There are so many people out there struggling with these concepts as well.

If you only do one thing for yourself for the rest of 2014, visit Blessing Manifesting or Buddhify.

Dominee over at Blessing Manifesting has created an amazing amount of resources (including some of the beautiful pictures on this post) for practicing self-love and self-care. She even has a planner and a calendar out right now to help with that. I’ve completed the winding down 2014 sections, and they’ve been immensely helpful. She also has a private facebook group for people to discuss issues, get help, and think happy healing thoughts for each other.

I’ve talked a little bit about Buddhify before. It’s an app available in the Apple store and on Google Play. It guides you through meditation, giving you an ability to appreciate the little things we encounter every day, from riding public transit to taking a bath (okay, not always things you do every single day).

There are of course a number of other people you should check out, from Julie at It’s Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life to Kenzie at Life According to Kenz to Healing by Holly. And of course you can always follow me on instagram or other social media and see all the cool people I’ve found elsewhere as well. There are just too many to name!

The most important step is to realize that your self-worth is not defined or muddied by your illnesses, your history, what you look like, or whatever you are facing in this moment. You matter because every person, every living thing matters. You matter because you are loved and you love.

I hope to share more of my journey practicing these concepts in the new year, and I invite you to join me on this path. It will not be easy by any means, but it will be worth it.

Today, though, I want to challenge you to do something good for yourself. That could mean anything from going on a little drive and picking up your favorite coffee (hello egg nog latte!!!) to shopping the dollar section at Target to giving yourself a hug (yes, I’m serious!). Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend, sibling, or child today.

 

Gee, if I could only get my flare to end, then I could wish you “Merry Christmas!”

It’s been an interesting week.

Thursday morning, I woke up to a very sore hip. It was bad enough that I grabbed my cane and took it to work with me… and then had to even use it.

The nerve!

It really is though, OMG
Listening to my body, I had to stay home Friday. I spent most of my day with my legs up, which helped with the pain. I went to Target for important supplies.
Buddha was a necessity!
Saturday I napped a fair amount, but I was able to be up a little more. Sunday was a different story though.
I wound up at urgent care when keeping my joints up wasn’t helping with the pain or with my ability to walk. X-rays determined that my hip was structurally fine, which determined for sure that I’m dealing with a giant jerky flare. I also got two prescriptions – one for Zohydro and another for a massive prednisone boost… 60 mg Mon-Wed, 40 mg Thurs-Sat, and 20 mg Sun-Tuesday.
Despite that, driving to work instead of busing, and working a shorter day, this is where I’ve ended up as of Monday night:
My sweet couch set up above blanket
Thank you FXX for your Simpsons binging days!
I was reminded of a few great things in the past couple of days through all of this though.
I’m making the right decision to move to my new job. It’s less of a hike for me, in the medical field, and will hopefully therefore not result in coworkers mocking my cane. Yes, that happened on Thursday, and oh my god.
I’ve dealt with crazy pain like this before without meds. I can make it through with the wonderful meds I’m happy to now have access to.
I WILL EAT ALL THE THINGS THIS WEEK… but one spoonful at a time 🙂
During a convo with one of my favorite people today, I got some awesome advice from this amazing newly diagnosed lupus and raynaud’s patient: Life give you things that are great and not so great. Think about what you can control when things are bad.
I’ll be resting a lot more this year for the holidays. I hope that you all spend more time listening to your body and doing the same!
Happy holidays!

Thankful for 2014

My awesome friend Julie just posted about the 10 things she’s thankful for this year. It got me thinking about what things I’m grateful for this year. It’s always a good thing to think about before you wind up doing that round table during Thanksgiving dinner right??

This year has been unreal. Seriously, pinch me.

1. My husband

This year could’ve very well been the worst year of my life given a lot of the things that have happened. I could’ve spent a lot more time stressing out and upset and had a nervous breakdown. Instead, I got married to my best friend – someone who always makes me laugh, even when I’m ready to cry or throw punches.

He calms my nerves, helps me with my struggles, and celebrates my victories. In every sense of the Aristotelian idea of people having been two and then split by Zeus, Theron just completes me. He pushes me to do better when I can, to rest when I need to, and to do amazing things I never thought I’d be able to do. Honestly, he’s also the most constant thing in my life, and it’s been amazing to have that.

2. My family

I don’t even know where to start.

Side note: need to take more pics

Kelsey, you are the coolest person and I am so incredibly proud of you. I’m so happy that I get to be your big sister, and I hope that I’m as helpful for you as you are for me. I’m so excited for your baby on the way and for Missy to be a big sister.

This year, I get to spend my first Thanksgiving with the family Kelsey and I both should’ve grown up with. I wish she could be there, but I know my phone won’t be far from me! I’m nervous and excited all at once – I want to make a good impression on the extended family, but I also know that they’ll love me just as I am.

There are other people in what I call my family of choice, from Theron’s family to the extended family I grew up with to people in the next 3 thankful bullet points. I am so incredibly blessed to have people in my life that are so amazingly awesome.

3. My friends

I have the coolest friends ever. There are people I’ve known most of my life that I’m still friends with. Sometimes we lose contact, but it always seems like we pick right up where we left off. I have amazing friends from college, from jobs, from being sick (more on that later), and from random craigslist ads. No matter how we found each other, I am so grateful to have you in my life y’all.

4. Our guinea pigs

Hallo! I am Gus Gus!

 

I am Jaq, king of the dad!

Ah, to finally have pets again. It’s been so long! I love my little buddies so much it’s crazy. They’re so much fun. I know I’m not a mom (yet?) but they give me joy just like I could be. And they’re so stinkin’ cute!

5. The spoonie community

You guys, I have a really hard time putting into words what you all mean to me. You’ve helped me grow, be safe, learn self-care and self-love. Everything that I am today has so much to do with everything that each of you has done for me or helped me do. I hope that I’m doing enough to give back and to help. I will always feel indebted to you all for your help and your love. Everything I’ve done this year would be impossible without it.

6. My trip to DC in March

In March, I was able to go to DC as a part of the Arthritis Advocacy Summit with the Arthritis Foundation. That trip helped get a lot of things in my life moving. It combined with my connections with national politicians on a local level jumpstarted my advocacy again. I was able to travel to one of the biggest cities in the US by myself without any big problems. I got to visit historical sites, see a Shakespearean first folio and a Gutenberg Bible, and hold my own. We were busy, but I was able to spend time by myself doing something I loved, and that hasn’t really ever happened on a large scale. It started as little Kirsten in the big city, and wound up confident Kirsten heading home.
I can’t put into words how helpful that was for me. Hopefully this time next year, I can talk about MedX in the same light.

7. Ridding my life of toxic people

Honestly this could be the biggest one. Realizing how negatively toxic people impacted my health and removing them has been huge. When I’m alone in a room, everything is quiet for the first time in forever. There are no longer inner dialogues about things to worry about or having to prep myself for fights. I can focus all of that energy on myself, my family and friends, and my advocacy work.

8. Exploring religions and the metaphysical again

I was a religious studies major. I studied amazing religions and got glimpses of how they made others feel. For the last couples of years, I closed myself off to that feeling. I think a lot of it had to do with grieving for the self who wanted to change the world, who was going to graduate school and somehow ceased to exist.

I’m done grieving something I didn’t necessarily have. I had a dream to change the world, just now the audience and methods and circumstances and focuses have changed. I’ve moved from the theoretical to the practical, and I’m beginning to embrace that.

9. Buddha Doodles

Seriously you have to go check out the site. I love the daily emails with new doodles that help keep me focused on compassion and loving kindness. I love the author’s story.

10. Technology

Without technology, I wouldn’t be able to do any of the things I love. Talking to my sister across the country would be so difficult with our schedules. Sending silly pictures to my friends to cheer them up – or receiving them! – would be near impossible. And I wouldn’t have connected with so many people in my life all around the world.

I’m so incredibly grateful for you, dear reader. I hope that your weekend is amazing and everything you want it to be.

So what about you. What are YOU grateful for?

Secrets and Society’s Love of Blaming the Victim

A few people have asked about why I’m being so straight forward about regarding some of the issues I’ve gone through recently, so I wanted to address those.

It’s a popular notion that many things are too personal to discuss. Two of the biggest categories in my opinion that are kept quiet are ongoing/chronic illnesses and abuse.

On the illness side, I talk about it because I had no one to reference growing up. If I can help just one family or one person deal with this illness, then I’ll consider this blog and the crud I go through worth it. Some of my favorite people in all of time and space are those I’ve met because they were brave enough to discuss their illnesses. As I said in my last post, I hate this disease and the others it brought along, but I love the people I know because of it (side note: did you see the new page all about resources like other bloggers? Check it out here).

I figure I’ve written about my sex life. You guys know enough about me that I also feel comfortable sharing my journey coming to terms with the abusive household in which I was raised. There was a point in time where I was ashamed or confused about a lot of it. I held it in and that contributed to how ill I felt. Now that I’m getting things out in the open, I feel better physically and mentally.

I also figure that many more people grow up in abusive situations than they realize. I had inklings, but never had equated my experiences with abuse until a friend asked me questions and led me to answers. I finally have peace in my heart and my mind. If I can bring that or the feeling that you’re not alone, not the messed up one, to anyone else, then I will be happy.

I think interestingly enough that these two issues I have talked about more recently both are due to society’s love of blaming the victim. Those of us with invisible illnesses are often met with phrases of passive aggressive judgment on how we handle our illnesses. We’re told yoga or going paleo will cure us by people with no information, no handle on what we go through. It is made to seem that we either caused our illness – like smokers getting lung cancer (which is another story, because that’s not the only contributing factor) – or we don’t do anything to get ourselves better. Neither of those are fair judgments to pass on people, because we have no idea what they’re going through or have gone through. You see the same thing in abuse or assault situations – the girl could’ve said no or the kid could’ve told a teacher. These phrases release the real culprit of any blame, and instead turn it to the victim who internalizes this message and tries to do everything to not cause waves. You don’t want to excel in school, but you also know failure isn’t an option because you’ll be ridiculed or worse. You do just enough to pass through things, not shining but not failing either. There are some, like me as a high schooler, who throw everything into academics or other activities as a means of escape.

I’ve recently been berated for sharing what’s happened from a couple of people as well. It seems that secrets are treasured in ‘families’ and we should be quiet about things that have transpired. That kind of thinking just perpetuates abuse, and makes it okay for us to ignore. If you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t listen.

I refuse to stop sharing things that will help other people while helping me heal. I refuse to stop talking about self care, self love, and self worth. I refuse to keep the majority of my life a secret. I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are, because I will always continue to be true to myself and my loved ones.