Category: self-care

Happy toxic bitches day!

Posted on by Grayson
Seriously though, happy mother’s day to you awesome ladies out there.
For you not so awesome ladies?

If my recent post on the crud with my mother resonated with you, today may be a pretty rough day for you. I will freely admit that it is for me, mostly because of the expectations that you be with your parents on these made-up holidays to celebrate their sacrifices.

Not all parents are worthy of such admiration.

Parents also need to understand that every little sacrifice they make isn’t on the kid. That’s an adult choice and shouldn’t be held over your kid’s head.

To clarify, we kids didn’t ask to be born right? Parents knowingly engaged in something they knew could bring about kids, trying or not. They knew what they could be getting themselves into.

A good parent is selfless and doesn’t need these cheesy ass candy company holidays.

On that note, check out the links below. Some of them are parent specific, but a lost of them focus on self-care/love after rough patches or dealing with toxic people.

We can start with those darn parental units.

I shared this post about rough mother’s day issues on my facebook page the other day. It outlines a few ways mothers specifically can be abusive. I have to say that my mother falls into each of these categories, which is kind of frightening.

Sound familiar? Here’s another story on growing up in a similar situation and another on how the cycle of abuse works for abusers.

Being someone who is empathic or can easily cultivate compassion for others is really hard when you’re in an abuse situation as this article discusses. This woman discusses how her mother’s death and the resulting PTSD led her to develop more compassion.

Perhaps your abusive situation, past or present, surrounds more of an intimate relationship like this. It can be so hard to get out, and it doesn’t help when people judge or make decisions to ‘help’ that actually can put you in more danger.

For some people, friends are the problem. Perhaps you have friends that don’t respect your time or dominate conversations always. One way among others to work on this is to express yourself, but that sadly doesn’t always work.

Perhaps the first step to healing from this type of toxicity is to learn that you are worthy of saying no. You not only have it in your power, but you have a right to stand up for yourself. You are worthy of love, and if you’re not getting it, get out!

In the healing process, I give myself pep talks. It’s perfectly normal and we all do it from time to time. For me, it’s just a little more constant right now. I have to reassure myself that I’m on the right path in many things, that I’m worth the good choices I’m making, and that it doesn’t matter if I’m quirky.

My quirkiness is what kept me alive. My quirkiness is what makes me fun to be around. And I’m not ever going to cut it out.

It took a lot for me to get so comfortable talking about what I’ve been through. I’m still really realizing some of it.

When I started therapy again a few months ago, I set a goal with my therapist that I really want to learn who *I* am. That requires really dealing with the experiences I’ve had and putting myself back together… even though one could argue that I’ve never fully been ‘together’ to begin with. I have to take the power back and control my own life. I also have to be patient when that doesn’t move as quickly as I would’ve wanted.

Because of the fears that were instilled in me as a child, I have pretty good anxiety. It can be really hard to deal with, although medication is helping. I still get overwhelmed in crowds, but I’ve also learned to embrace and lean into that uncomfortable situation. I’ve learned that it’s okay to not be okay, and I’m okay with that.

I believe that self-care and self-love can change the world. I believe that it has changed my life for the better. If I bug you personally about self-care and love, it’s because I care about you and want you to be well and happy and all that good stuff.

It also allows me to be a bitch when I need to be, and I’m kinda loving it.

Perhaps the biggest thing for me was starting to date myself. I mean, how could you love yourself without a courtship phase?

You really can’t.

Do I love myself fully? Not yet, but I’m getting there. I’ll continue to keep dating myself until I find that place. I hope that you do too.

Don’t know where to start on self-love? Check out this link. Learn about the power of self-worth. Read those quotes on strength.

Take care of yourself today. Please. Treat yourself the way you’d treat your closest friend – with compassion, tenderness, understanding, and love.

Meditation Monday: Link Roundup on Self-Love, Self-Care, and Buddhism

Posted on by Grayson

With everything going on lately, I haven’t worked on new blog posts for a bit. However, I’ve been collecting some links to share with you – enjoy!

If you’re feeling off and out of control of your own destiny, it’s not a bad idea to check in with yourself, especially with your intuition. I really connected with the second point on this, which is to talk to yourself like a friend. That idea is really what has turned things around for me self-love and -care wise. You have GOT to practice self-care. It’s not optional – it’s something you have to make time for and do. One big reason? It helps us handle stress better.

Something else that’s helped me a lot is learning to say no. It’s hard to break the habit of wanting to please people. As someone who grew up in a home where you didn’t want to upset someone, I find it’s even harder than I ever thought it would be. It’s definitely something I’m working and making progress on though, which eliminates a large amount of self-loathing and doubt as well. Saying no takes a lot of courage. We should always remember that.

Recognizing abusive tendencies is hugely important, and is taking the time to learn about and find yourself once you’re out. Self-discovery happens at different times for everyone – I’m just glad I got to it before I hit 27! Healing from abuse is hard work, but it’s so incredibly rewarding. Also, as a reminder to myself, it’s never okay to deny the emotions you’re feeling. That doesn’t mean you have to act on them though. Something that’s important to do is to identify emotional triggers so that you can work on handling them.

Learning to let things go is a huge step we all must take. It’s not easy to do unless you learn to say no and love yourself though. It’s very easy to make excuses to stay in a difficult place or in contact with abusive people. There’s often peer pressure associated with these things, which doesn’t make it any easier.

I really enjoy reading things that other people would tell their younger selves. This one is focused on a person in their 20s, so pretty relevant for me right now.

The last point in this article hit me hard – be a rebel with a cause. You don’t have to follow what others are doing, and you can still make an impact by being unique. Don’t compare yourself to others either. Something that might help is to make a fuck it list (yep, you read that right).

A few weeks ago, I talked about loving kindness meditation and how it helps me. If you’re working on the same practice, here are some other intentions you can use in addition to ‘may you be well’ and the like. On that note, I’ve spoken a lot about Buddhism as of late. It’s something that comforts me and gives me tangible goals to work towards, not unlike the author of this piece. If you’re interested in learning more, you can always ease into it by learning about meditation terms or short five minute introductions. You can also investigate mindfulness on a very basic level and see what you think.

Even if you’re not into Buddhism, there are still ideas you can take from it to enrich your life. A few are included in this piece on mindfulness in relationships. It can even help us to think about our final breath. Keep in mind that meditation isn’t always easy to get into or a calming experience.

If you keep debating a choice, read this piece. Make an educated decision – but make sure to make your decision. Oftentimes it seems as though we get wish-washy and refuse to make a choice, even if it’s incredibly important. Sometimes the problem is that we start living on autopilot, isn’t it? Here’s a list of ways to stop that.

Spending time with my sister recently was so very much needed, especially with Sam still struggling. It also gave me some time to travel by myself, which is always an adventure. I’m starting to love things like driving in downtown San Francisco without my GPS on to see what I can see. I’m finding comfort even out of my element, and I love it.

If you’re having a really hard day, remember to be grateful, to let go, and to listen. You can always try some things to restart the day too, or remember that you can allow yourself to be imperfect. It all goes back to the beginning of this post – you have to learn to be your best friend so you can care for yourself better.

Side note: The Elephant Journal site limits you to three (3) free articles per day, so you may need to bookmark some to read in the coming days.

Self-Care Sunday: dealing with the past

Posted on by Grayson

Real talk: you do seriously need to watch this. If you haven’t yet:

Kimmy: I can’t even do a dream date right!
Titus: Probably because you’re bottling up the past. The past is not a root beer Kimmy Schmidt!

Today, we’re going to talk about what to do for yourself when you’re dealing with rough things from the past.

Do you feel like your should-be self is interfering with your right-now life? And who you want to be? Check out this piece. And if you feel like you were over some past things but recently discovered you weren’t, please please please read this post from Blessing Manifesting. Spot on.

It’s important in so many ways to both own and tell your story. Maybe you’re on the path to finding out your story and learning why it’s so important to share. Remember that there are always ways to get through the hard times.

Kimmy: Do you think going through something like that – a war or whatever – makes you a better person? Or, deep down, does it just make you bitter and angry?

Have you been abused by family or others too? There are lots of guides out there on how to heal, but I found this one helpful. One really tough part about all of this is figuring out that you contain worth and you matter. You’re not just taking up space. People like me often find comfort in becoming a bit of a control freak. In reality, we need to let go and work on how to deal with less emotional pain. Sometimes that means working through the abuse. Sometimes that means ignoring it. For others, that means focusing on the good that’s come out of the situation.

The important thing to remember is that standing up for yourself gives you the power in the relationship and negates much of the power they hold over you. Learn to say no and set up real and proper boundaries. It isn’t easy and you will have set backs, but believing in yourself and your experiences will help get you to where you need to be.

If you’re dealing with PTSD or other issues that cause flashbacks, learn about how and why they happen.

If you can’t remove yourself from a situation by cutting contact like I did, try these steps when you’re in a high pressure situation. It’s easier said than done to keep your cool, but it can help to step back from the emotions of the situation.

Make sure that you address all the dimensions of self care that there are. Help the others around you by talking about empathy and asking for help when you need it. If you need it, check out resources on DBT and other ways to get through crisis moments. Processing traumatic events is really hard. Maybe practice some self care? If you’re really stuck on that though, try helping someone else. It always makes me feel better.

It won’t be easy but you can make it – because you’re:

Self-Care Sundays: focus on you

Posted on by Grayson

I picked up a workbook on PTSD and looked at another workbook with my therapist. We both agreed that working in at least one book would be a great idea for me to feel like I’m making progress between appointments. It’ll be interesting, because I’m used to overanalyzing negative aspects of my character or mistakes but not just analyzing how I feel or how I’m really dealing with things.

I’m going to challenge you to tackle at least one of the following things for yourself this week.

Has my talk of toxic/negative people resonated with you? Check out how to let go of toxic relationships and rediscover yourself from Tiny Buddha. There are even tips on what to do if you are forced to be around these people. I recognize that not everyone can escape these people. A huge part of why I share my experiences, both with toxic people and illness, is because I know people need help and that talking about these things can be so helpful. After reading this article on helping others who aren’t as privileged, you might too.

Have you been intrigued by my posts about meditation? Check out how it can help you release stress & find emotional freedom.

Are you working on how to like yourself too? Head over to read how to master self acceptance from Mind Body Green.

Do you find yourself scared to handle new things, even though they’d be amazing for you? Check out this piece on getting comfortable with uncertainty in the face of new possibilities. While you’re at it, why not check out this article on letting go of expectations and this one on letting go of control too? If you identify with these things, you may be an overachiever – and there are ways to get better!

Are you hella stressed out but have a tight budget that won’t budge for relaxation items? Find cheap ways to unwind here. On that note, read about the five things to remember when life feels insane and these nine practices to make your life less stressful. This are all great ways to give yourself a break! Your morning routine can be used to lessen your anxiety too – I wish I knew that a while back! If that doesn’t work, maybe this article on ceasing fear will.

I’ve talked a lot about creating healthy boundaries, and I found this article on the subject just in time.

This article is supposed to be about how to become a morning person, but it really just encourages me to get up and do something! This one helped me learn about staying more in the present, something that is SO important with anxiety and depressive disorders. If you’re looking for scientific reasons to head outside, you can learn much more here!

No matter what things you struggle with, come read this piece about the key to loving yourself, other people, and life. You’ll be happy you did! Maybe it will inspire you to tell someone else that you love them or inspire you to be a better, more present friend.

I’d love to hear more about the challenge you decided to take on and how you feel it helps you.

Self-Care Sundays: positive doodles

Posted on by Grayson
I love love love Positive Doodles. Em is super talented, and I always find myself smiling whenever I stumble across her art. Her art, if you couldn’t tell from her blog title, is all about positivity and encouragement. Honestly, it’s a huge part of why I’ve improved as much as I have. T bought her calendar and we have it up in the hallway to our bathroom & bedroom, so I pass by it several times a day. It always makes me happy and makes me think I’m doing well, even when times are hard.
Why? See for yourself.

 

 

 

One of the things I love is that she does a lot of illness-related ones:

And I’ve always hated taking naps because it felt so unproductive, until recently. How can you argue with a cute fox?

 

 

These doodles have also helped me in dealing with my family issues. I’ve had some people say that it isn’t okay to cut off family, no matter how poorly they make you feel…

 

 

The guinea pig one just makes me happy, and reminds me that I’m not a bad writer. I just don’t always focus on my writing in the way that I should.
Today I want you to check out Em’s blog and check out her doodles. Which ones are your favorite?

Self-Care Sunday: when being sick is actually great

Posted on by Grayson

I was really sick this last week. For the first time in a long time, that was the only thing bugging me!

Around the 5th, I started getting a cold… or so I thought. By that Saturday, I was feeling pretty rotten and had started coughing up some sputum along with wheezing. I did have one cough that made me take a step back and say “Hmm, last time I had that kind of cough was when I had bronchitis.”

Maybe should’ve listened to that little voice instead of shaking it off.

On Mondays I’m in my office alone, so I went even though I was feeling pretty rotten. I hacked away all day and tried to eat something spicy for lunch to see if I could drain all the congestion out. Later in the day I called my primary care doc to try to get an appointment, which they couldn’t do until Wednesday morning. The nurse was going to talk with the doc and call me back, but she had to settle for a message in our EMR system and the doc didn’t respond until after the nurse had left. Their concern was that my childhood asthma had popped back up… I have no doubt that my asthma is still around because I do have a terrible mucus problem, which can be a sign of asthma… and it’s actually kind of serious. Good thing I’m working with some docs on asthma training or I’d never have known!

Cue another frustration about growing up sans medical care and in a bad situation.

I get a call back from this nurse Tuesday morning who explains it’s likely that my cold has kicked up my asthma, but that I should head to urgent care to make sure it’s nothing more serious as they didn’t have any appointments available. After an hour of watching my new passion, Golden Girls, I donned my Batman underoos and headed over to urgent care.

I proceeded to wait for about an hour before getting an exam room, where I waited another 20-25 minutes. The doc took a listen to my chest and I was grateful for once that I was wheezing! He said that while there might be asthma at play, I definitely had bronchitis.

Cue the nebulizer!

I had to run around after I got out of UC to pick up my z-pack, coughing pills, and inhaler… and a few goodies since I wasn’t allowed to go to work until Thursday. I got home a little after 1:30, took some pills, and settled in for a self-snuggle.
Wednesday was a great self-care day. I allowed myself to do many things on this great list, from staying clear from my laptop to eliminating shoulds to enjoying guilty pleasures. It’d been forever since I rented something from Redbox, so I watched Big Hero 6 and Rosewater. Both were great movies, and now I really want Baymax.

I hate being what I call ‘normal people’ sick. Upper respiratory infections are even worse, because I can’t really play with my guinea pigs. They can die within 24 hours of getting one… which makes for one paranoid piggie momma.

Last night I finally got to play with them again. They were so excited!! I cleaned their cage while daddy piggie learned how hard it is to watch Gus. He has SO much energy.

It really took me being sidelined with bronchitis to get enough rest. It’s funny because I feel like I don’t do very much on a regular basis, but doing nothing helped show me that I was wrong.

I have a challenge for you!

Not everyone has to get scary sick to experience this type of rest. As a part of your self-care, I want you to pick a day where you can easily do very little. Keep track of all the things that you feel like you should be doing, but keep your to-do list very small. Only do small things you can easily accomplish or are that restful. Partake in hobbies you don’t have time for on a normal basis. Take a nap. Watch a trashy show or kids movies. Enjoy your favorite foods. Set aside a day to practice self-care and self-love – and let me know how you feel at the end of it. It’ll be hard, but I believe in you!

 

Self Love & Care: the danger of toxic people

Posted on by Grayson

Back in December, I wrote a beginner’s guide to self love & self care. It’s a subject that I would like to start talking about more – both because it is so very needed for the chronically ill and because I sorely need a boost of both. For this post, we’ll be talking about toxic relationships and their affects on the self.

We’ve all been in relationships, no matter the nature, where one person has more power than us. Generally that isn’t a problem. When you encounter or are forced to deal with someone toxic, it becomes a huge issue. You might notice that this person often goes on power trips. They may make passive aggressive comments or comments fishing for compliments: “Oh, that hat is so cute. I could never wear it.” We all know what they’re really trying to say…

We all do things like this occasionally, but toxic people make it a habit to be slyly rude or bring drama everywhere they go. For those people we always have to deal with, like bosses, there isn’t much that can be done to remedy the situation. However, personal relationships should not include this type of negative energy.

Toxic relationships can be hard to get away from. They can be like religious conversions, where you really have to go extreme to make the change. For some, that’s moving out unexpectedly or while this person is away. For others, it’s changing phone numbers and altering privacy settings on social media. Some even have to eliminate mutual friendships or ties with family to really get away.

People won’t often understand. They’ll misquote the blood is thicker than water thing and just no. First of all, that quote means the opposite of what everyone assumes – bonds you form are stronger than those you’re born into. Secondly, you have the right to walk away from anyone or anything that harms you. Thirdly? Who cares what other people think! The only opinion that matters in self care is yours. As long as you’re not harming someone or creating dangerous habits (I’m looking at you, credit card debt!), go for it.

If cutting off all contact with a toxic person in your life isn’t an option, you will want to alter the relationship so that you can gain the upper hand. There are too many ways to do this for me to be able to list them here, but moving out or changing your personal circumstances will often lead to this. You can then control just how much contact you have with this person, and in what context that contact happens. Maybe you can handle being around this person for an hour, but that’s the maximum. You can make sure to make yourself busy or unavailable for more than an hour at a time.

Perhaps, like myself, you deal with family members who can’t understand what no contact means. Dealing with the stress of my family situation right now is very difficult. The toxic people in my life have been trying to squeeze information out of family members, which makes it difficult to know who in my family is okay to talk to. This severely limits my abilities to communicate with family or family friends which is really hard.

After reflection though, I know that not having contact with the toxic people in my life is what I need. It preserves my mental and physical health, as I’m not as anxious or depressed or holding in emotions which is known to make me flare. I have more integrity because I’ve stopped lying to myself or trying to force myself into uncomfortable situations. I’m also a hell of a lot less angry. True, some of the things I’m processing about my past are hard and bring up anger or fear. I am sharing more of those emotions with others in healthy ways and looking at things logically.

In the last year, I have grown in so many ways. I think my visit in March of last year to DC with the Arthritis Advocacy Summit really helped cement in my mind that I was not dependent on anyone else. Sure, there are people in my life that I love and want in it. I would be sad to lose them. But I learned that I am self-sufficient, something that I was told I would never be – whether due to my illness or the fact that I didn’t react to things as some thought I should.

Regardless, the personal growth I’ve had is amazing. I like myself so much better right now than I did a year ago. I even wore some crop tops over the summer! I enjoy the things I’m doing at work. They’re challenging but fun and really (eventually at least) helping patients. I love my boss. She and I are so similar and, having kids about my age, she is incredibly nurturing. I enjoy the other health care providers and administrators I work with.

Whether your toxic relationship is with a parent, a significant other, a friend, or someone else, I hope that you realize how very worth the fight you are. You deserve to be happy. That happiness cannot be dependent on others though.

One more story…

Before the last year of shakeups in my familial situation, I was plagued by doubts. When I was alone – whether in the shower for 15 minutes or on a 90 minute car ride – I would sit and think about what I had done or was doing wrong. I would think about how I wasn’t good enough or the mistakes I made. It was so bad that I was barely sleeping unless I had some alcohol at our weekly trivia night or took a muscle relaxer. I wondered if I was good enough to meet my dad, to marry my husband, to be in my niece’s life. I felt very stuck because I couldn’t get past these roadblocks set up for me by others.

I won’t say all of that is gone. There are still times where I struggle with decisions or mistakes, like being less than understanding for my sister when she’s faced hard things. I’m not fussing over my shock when I ran into celebrities years ago though. I’m not plagued by thoughts of how I should’ve told Bob Uecker how much I think he’s awesome or gotten his autograph… and it’s not just because he returned an RSVP card from the wedding.

Okay, it might help.

The point is that without the toxicity in my life, I can finally learn how to allow myself to make mistakes and to forgive myself for them. I’m learning how to love myself because, without that influence of toxic people and the issues they bring, I’m FINALLY getting to learn who I really am. I’m learning more what I like, what I think is funny, and what I really want out of life.

Perhaps the best thing is I’m no longer held up to standards that I can’t reach. I’m never going to be the president or a high level diplomat. I’m not going to run a crazy successful business. I’ll never be model thin… though I wouldn’t want to be either. I will do what I can in my current job to help kids. I will do what I can to help chronically awesome peeps with my advocacy and to help open the eyes of some of these toxic politicians. I will love the heck out of my little guinea pigs, my niece, and my soon-to-be-born nephew. I will create whatever relationship with my father and the family that he and I want. I will spend time with friends and not be restrained by the expectation that I should be at home locked away. I will travel and goof around with my husband. I will laugh deeply and love more strongly.

Right now the only expectation that I hold myself to is to be happy and to rock this one life that I’ve got. I couldn’t make those decisions without eliminating the toxic elements in my life. I hope that you can make any changes you need to in this area as well. It has been the biggest change for my health, mental and physical.

A Beginner’s Guide to Self-Care and Self-Love

Posted on by Grayson
With the holidays around, everyone tends to overextend themselves whether it’s purchasing too many presents or cooking a lot. We often don’t get much thanks for the tasks we complete, because everyone is so busy helping out. Christmas especially can be overwhelming. For myself, I think a lot of it is centered on wanting things to be perfect – wanting to fit in, wanting to avoid fights or awkward moments, etc. It can also be overwhelming because you receive many gifts and don’t have enough time to give thanks or truly appreciate each one.
For those of us with chronic illnesses and a lack of spoons (read the Spoon Theory here), taking time for ourselves in any aspect is very important. We need time to recharge, to get refreshed. It is very hard to deem ourselves worthy of that time for so many reasons. Our society sees downtime as lazy and unproductive. We often feel we are not worth the work because we have other things or other people to worry about and help. We put others first. We don’t have the energy.
You can name your own reasons.
This year for me has been an exercise in learning and practicing not only self-care, but self-love. The two are intertwined, but not always connected. You can practice one without the other, like going to the doctor. That is an act of self-care, but may not be an act of self-love. Sometimes if you’re in enough pain, it’s more an act of desperation – wanting to be rid of the pain – than loving yourself enough to take care.

The first thing to know about both of these is that YOU ARE LOVED. You matter. The space you take up isn’t wasted. You bring something to the world that doesn’t exist without you, be it your quirky personality, cooking skills, or the compassion you have towards others.

The second thing to know is that you are not alone. There are so many people out there struggling with these concepts as well.

If you only do one thing for yourself for the rest of 2014, visit Blessing Manifesting or Buddhify.

Dominee over at Blessing Manifesting has created an amazing amount of resources (including some of the beautiful pictures on this post) for practicing self-love and self-care. She even has a planner and a calendar out right now to help with that. I’ve completed the winding down 2014 sections, and they’ve been immensely helpful. She also has a private facebook group for people to discuss issues, get help, and think happy healing thoughts for each other.

I’ve talked a little bit about Buddhify before. It’s an app available in the Apple store and on Google Play. It guides you through meditation, giving you an ability to appreciate the little things we encounter every day, from riding public transit to taking a bath (okay, not always things you do every single day).

There are of course a number of other people you should check out, from Julie at It’s Just A Bad Day, Not A Bad Life to Kenzie at Life According to Kenz to Healing by Holly. And of course you can always follow me on instagram or other social media and see all the cool people I’ve found elsewhere as well. There are just too many to name!

The most important step is to realize that your self-worth is not defined or muddied by your illnesses, your history, what you look like, or whatever you are facing in this moment. You matter because every person, every living thing matters. You matter because you are loved and you love.

I hope to share more of my journey practicing these concepts in the new year, and I invite you to join me on this path. It will not be easy by any means, but it will be worth it.

Today, though, I want to challenge you to do something good for yourself. That could mean anything from going on a little drive and picking up your favorite coffee (hello egg nog latte!!!) to shopping the dollar section at Target to giving yourself a hug (yes, I’m serious!). Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend, sibling, or child today.

 

Gee, if I could only get my flare to end, then I could wish you “Merry Christmas!”

Posted on by Grayson

It’s been an interesting week.

Thursday morning, I woke up to a very sore hip. It was bad enough that I grabbed my cane and took it to work with me… and then had to even use it.

The nerve!

It really is though, OMG
Listening to my body, I had to stay home Friday. I spent most of my day with my legs up, which helped with the pain. I went to Target for important supplies.
Buddha was a necessity!
Saturday I napped a fair amount, but I was able to be up a little more. Sunday was a different story though.
I wound up at urgent care when keeping my joints up wasn’t helping with the pain or with my ability to walk. X-rays determined that my hip was structurally fine, which determined for sure that I’m dealing with a giant jerky flare. I also got two prescriptions – one for Zohydro and another for a massive prednisone boost… 60 mg Mon-Wed, 40 mg Thurs-Sat, and 20 mg Sun-Tuesday.
Despite that, driving to work instead of busing, and working a shorter day, this is where I’ve ended up as of Monday night:
My sweet couch set up above blanket
Thank you FXX for your Simpsons binging days!
I was reminded of a few great things in the past couple of days through all of this though.
I’m making the right decision to move to my new job. It’s less of a hike for me, in the medical field, and will hopefully therefore not result in coworkers mocking my cane. Yes, that happened on Thursday, and oh my god.
I’ve dealt with crazy pain like this before without meds. I can make it through with the wonderful meds I’m happy to now have access to.
I WILL EAT ALL THE THINGS THIS WEEK… but one spoonful at a time 🙂
During a convo with one of my favorite people today, I got some awesome advice from this amazing newly diagnosed lupus and raynaud’s patient: Life give you things that are great and not so great. Think about what you can control when things are bad.
I’ll be resting a lot more this year for the holidays. I hope that you all spend more time listening to your body and doing the same!
Happy holidays!

Secrets and Society’s Love of Blaming the Victim

Posted on by Grayson

A few people have asked about why I’m being so straight forward about regarding some of the issues I’ve gone through recently, so I wanted to address those.

It’s a popular notion that many things are too personal to discuss. Two of the biggest categories in my opinion that are kept quiet are ongoing/chronic illnesses and abuse.

On the illness side, I talk about it because I had no one to reference growing up. If I can help just one family or one person deal with this illness, then I’ll consider this blog and the crud I go through worth it. Some of my favorite people in all of time and space are those I’ve met because they were brave enough to discuss their illnesses. As I said in my last post, I hate this disease and the others it brought along, but I love the people I know because of it (side note: did you see the new page all about resources like other bloggers? Check it out here).

I figure I’ve written about my sex life. You guys know enough about me that I also feel comfortable sharing my journey coming to terms with the abusive household in which I was raised. There was a point in time where I was ashamed or confused about a lot of it. I held it in and that contributed to how ill I felt. Now that I’m getting things out in the open, I feel better physically and mentally.

I also figure that many more people grow up in abusive situations than they realize. I had inklings, but never had equated my experiences with abuse until a friend asked me questions and led me to answers. I finally have peace in my heart and my mind. If I can bring that or the feeling that you’re not alone, not the messed up one, to anyone else, then I will be happy.

I think interestingly enough that these two issues I have talked about more recently both are due to society’s love of blaming the victim. Those of us with invisible illnesses are often met with phrases of passive aggressive judgment on how we handle our illnesses. We’re told yoga or going paleo will cure us by people with no information, no handle on what we go through. It is made to seem that we either caused our illness – like smokers getting lung cancer (which is another story, because that’s not the only contributing factor) – or we don’t do anything to get ourselves better. Neither of those are fair judgments to pass on people, because we have no idea what they’re going through or have gone through. You see the same thing in abuse or assault situations – the girl could’ve said no or the kid could’ve told a teacher. These phrases release the real culprit of any blame, and instead turn it to the victim who internalizes this message and tries to do everything to not cause waves. You don’t want to excel in school, but you also know failure isn’t an option because you’ll be ridiculed or worse. You do just enough to pass through things, not shining but not failing either. There are some, like me as a high schooler, who throw everything into academics or other activities as a means of escape.

I’ve recently been berated for sharing what’s happened from a couple of people as well. It seems that secrets are treasured in ‘families’ and we should be quiet about things that have transpired. That kind of thinking just perpetuates abuse, and makes it okay for us to ignore. If you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t listen.

I refuse to stop sharing things that will help other people while helping me heal. I refuse to stop talking about self care, self love, and self worth. I refuse to keep the majority of my life a secret. I don’t care if the world knows what my secrets are, because I will always continue to be true to myself and my loved ones.