It’s too bad drinking gives me migraines lately cause fuck |
It’s too bad drinking gives me migraines lately cause fuck |
Growing up, I always loved Captain Janeway. It was one of those naive baby-feminist things – finally, there is a female captain! I felt like she was the epitome of sassy and strong, just what a starship captain with a vagina should be naturally.
Earlier this year, I wrote a post entitled The Raven about the Star Trek: Voyager episode of the same name. We were in season four of the seven-season series and Seven of Nine was just going through her initial Post-Traumatic Stress fun. This was especially important as I had finally been diagnosed with PTSD in 2015.
I started to identify with Seven, the hot chick, for the first time in my life.
I never identified with Seven before. She was the unattainable hot girl with more logic than a Vulcan. She had these amazing outfits and cool face makeup. She was out of reach. Because of our shared diagnosis, though, she became incredibly relatable.
The small child in me – the one who was going through all of these PTSD episodes while Voyager was on – cringes so much at all of this. As soon as The Raven hit our television screen earlier this year, I knew she had PTSD. I said it before the Doctor even did once given both her reactions and the findings of his scans.
Poor T, watching all of these with me. I like to think these episodes helped me explain some PTSD things. I’m sure it really wasn’t fun to watch with me, though.
In the following episodes, most people on the ship are helpful with Seven. They understand that some of her reactions aren’t things she can control and go out of their way to help when they can. It takes a while for most, sure, but the adventures Voyager faces seem to speed up this acceptance. The Doctor, a holograph, becomes both her biggest fanboy and advocate.
Captain Janeway does not advocate for Seven, quite arguably the most vulnerable person on the crew. Instead, Seven finds herself used and abused not unlike she did with the Borg. One could argue that, on Voyager, using Seven in these ways makes their actions even more reprehensible than the Borg – at least with them, Seven wasn’t really conscious of what was going on. She didn’t have rights to be taken away.
In Retrospect, Seven’s PTSD is even further defined by a violation from a trader. Instead of really championing for helping Seven, Janeway takes the offender’s side of things pretty quickly. In addition to this, Janeway removes Seven’s free will in several episodes, using Seven to accomplish whatever means she wishes.
I’m not sure why this is. Is there a female jealousy component here, that Seven is logical, intelligent, and beautiful? Does Janeway feel threatened? Or, like some parents, does she feel as though Seven’s entire life and being should somehow be hers?
I don’t know.
I do know this is all in stark contrast to Captain Picard who works tirelessly to help the members of his crew understand life. I can’t help but wonder how Data would have done on Voyager instead of the Enterprise. I’m sure Janeway would have been proud of him, but it seems as though she would have also manipulated him where possible, too.
Picard isn’t without his faults, but it certainly seems Seven would have done better had he discovered her during his time as Locutus of Borg.
As a child, I so loved Voyager. I didn’t really pay attention to the plot, but it was Star Trek – my favorite. I paid much more attention to The Next Generation episodes we sometimes watched as a family.
It’s hard for me to admit how much I dislike Janeway now. It’s interesting the number of things that I had to endure to get me to the point of stating how awful she is – religious/philosophy studies, ethical ideals, finally putting a name to my PTSD and getting away from abuse, etc. It’s really hard to stomach from an intersectional feminist point of view, too, that Janeway would be so dismissive of a fellow female.
It’s not unlike our current political fun. Slightly off-topic, but this week alone several of the anti-Trump groups have perpetuated stigmas against us disabled and chronically ill people. Because they have degrees, they assume they’re knowledgeable in marginalization and don’t think they’re doing anything wrong (or, on the flipside, some don’t care).
What we really need – us anti-Trump cripples – is for people to listen. Hear us when we talk about what we are dealing with. Support us and give us a platform to talk about what’s happening, what may happen, and what we can do to avoid the worst of the worst.
That’s really not different than what Seven needed – or what I need during PTSD time. It doesn’t seem as though that is something Janeway is capable of providing, at least to Seven.
Have you ever encountered a television show that depicted one of your diagnoses? How did they do? How did this make you feel?
Thanks, Giphy! |
Thanks, Giphy! |
Thanks, Giphy! |
Identify something negative you believe about yourself because of a past mistake for which you’ve struggled to forgive yourself (for example, “I’m a bad person”) – something that is not a fact, even if it may feel like one. Look for one piece of proof to support the opposite belief today. (For example, helping your sister could be proof that you are, in fact, a good person.)
“I feel angry that I never had a proper mother. I feel angry that I don’t know what it feels like to be nurtured or taken care of.” – Adult daughter who has not spoken to her mother for seven years
Adult children do not divorce their parents lightly. “The feelings of love and loyalty are so strong,” says a daughter no longer in contact with her parents. “It took me many years to stop feeling ashamed of the hurt I had caused them, but my desire to protect my new family was stronger.”
Forgiveness doesn’t mean sacrificing myself to please someone or an entire culture of someones.
Overall I am a happier person since I have disowned them. I feel relief mostly, like I’ve gotten out of jail for a crime I didn’t commit.
Courtesy of Pinterest |
Think about how you parents (or the people who raised you) processed and responded to anger. Write down anything unhealthy you learned from them and what might be a healthier choice. (The goal is not to blame them for their shortcomings, but to recognize how you formed some of your patterns and what can do to change them.)
The Eridanus Black Hole, courtesy of ListVerse |
The Pillars of Creation, courtesy of ListVerse |
I have often said over the last few years that I feel grateful for being sick since childhood. I don’t remember living really without the limitations that I have grown up with, even though they do change enough to irritate beyond belief. I have multiple chronic diseases but my fibro is currently the worst offender now that my SJIA is mostly under control.
That brings its own challenges, though, like feeling that I’ve lost a huge part of me. Arthur, as I’ve always called my SJIA, was much like a twin. There is an emptiness that comes when the thing you’re closest to is gone, especially when you have a tendency to personify it.
There is a mix of joy for some semblance of pain relief, sorrow that he’s not around, and guilt that I’m doing so well while children I know have been in and out of the hospital seriously ill and fighting for their lives.
If Arthur had come along later than kindergarten, would I feel differently about him? If I grew up in a home without abuse, would I have gotten so attached to him, to that familiar pain?
Courtesy of Quotes Gram |
H/T Memory Alpha |
H/T Memory Alpha |
As these flashbacks continue, Seven begins to act out. Eventually, her Borg hardware starts trying to take over again upon hearing a homing beacon. That homing beacon eventually takes her to the planet that her family’s ship crashed on – The Raven.
During this time period, she has gone through the main stages of PTSD very quickly – flashbacks, hypervigilance/hyperarousal, and being numb like threatening to assimilate others.
H/T Memory Alpha |
Quite honestly, this is how it really happens.
Sometimes we get to that realization that we are safe but can’t shut down the memories. Other times, it takes something big to knock us out of the cycle. For Seven, being on the ship did that:
It happened here. This is where it began. This is where I was assimilated. This was our ship. We lived here. We lived here for a long time. My father did experiments. They were very important and we had to travel a long way. I had my birthday here. My cake had six candles on it and… and one more to grow on. And then the men came. Papa tried to fight them, but they were too strong. I tried to hide. Maybe they wouldn’t find me because I was little. But they did. And then Papa said we were going to crash and the big man picked me up and then suddenly, we weren’t on this ship anymore. We were somewhere else. And then I became Borg.
Seven talks often about how difficult it is to interact with other humans. She feels isolated, alone. She doesn’t know how to behave or how to do simple things like eat.
H/T Memory Alpha |
It’s not unlike how I’ve felt – having to have my husband show me how to brush my teeth or carry out other simple tasks. There is a shame in that which can keep people from pursuing that learning.
At the end of the episode, Seven escapes. She starts learning more about her humanity, trying to learn about creativity – something Janeway was discussing with her at the beginning of the episode. She says that she will eventually learn more about her parents from the ship’s computer, but isn’t ready yet.
In her own way, Seven’s immediate battle mirrors what many of us living with PTSD go through. At the beginning, we don’t often fully comprehend our flashbacks. They are incomplete or, like Seven’s, not entirely accurate. We don’t understand what is going on with our body and mind.
We don’t get what we’re feeling.
Like Seven, it takes someone telling us that we’re okay. In the immediate situation, Tuvok was able to help bring her out of the attack and work on getting to physical – and emotional – safety. Once back on the ship, The Doctor, Janeway, and others work with Seven to help her grow, to feel safe.
H/T Giphy |
I never thought that I could identify with one of the Borg, but damn. There is some irony in the fact that I’ve said T is similar to Tuvok in the past as well.
I’m not sure there’s a point to this post, except to point out how expertly PTSD has been shown in Star Trek: Voyager.
Other pieces on the subject or this episode:
Seven Of Nine: Posterchild For Childhood Abuse & Recovery?
The Raven (Memory Alpha)
I am not my PTSD.
It makes it harder to be me, though, to participate in the ‘real world.’
There is no back button to avoid the trigger, no fast-forward button to make time go faster, no play button when I feel stuck.
There is no pause button in real life to easily push when you’re triggered at work, playing with your pets or niblings, at home, during sex.
I cannot tell my niece to stop everything. I cannot tell my pets to stop needing me. I cannot tell work that I need to binge on Netflix comedies instead of being stuck in a seven am meeting with several doctors.
There are times I can’t be as close with my niece, because she is the spitting image of my sister at that age. Sometimes watching her be silly and have fun and be safe reminds me of the things I couldn’t do to help me sister not be beaten, assaulted, put down every day of her life.
There are times when I can’t even let my husband touch me, times when him brushing his hand against my arm isn’t just painful from my fibromyalgia but causes a remembrance of an assault.
There’s no pause button in real life, no way to go back and say I need a moment. We all want explanations. Explanations are great, but don’t make the person explaining feel any better.
My PTSD is the thing that is probably the worst in my life. I never know when it is going to hit and there are few coping mechanisms that I can use to combat it. Sure, I can pull up Netflix and watch The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt at work when I have time. I shouldn’t, but I can. There are times when listening to music is helpful, getting out raw emotion or making me just want to dance.
There are times when being held by my husband, playing with our pets, talking with my sister, playing with my niblings… where these all do more harm than good. No one should have to live that way.
By the way…