Category: music

Therapeutic Thursday: fight song

Posted on by Grayson

Monday morning I woke up to T watching music videos on VH1, mostly because I couldn’t sleep through the night and wound up on the couch.

I hate my shoulder.
That’s kind of become our morning though – watching music videos to prep for the day… well, that or I Love Lucy/Golden Girls. Either way.
We were watching videos and this Rachel girl came on to discuss her video about proving something to herself by writing this song. I didn’t pay enough attention to really hear. T mentioned that it sounded like a ‘me’ song. The video finally really started and he was SO right.
I’ve become addicted. My plan is to learn the chords well enough on short notice to play them at my upcoming concerts.
Listen to it once through. Then play it again and really listen to the words.
Here’s my poor over-simplification: The significance of one person uttering one small word and setting themselves free cannot be over expressed. I’m one person, but I can make a difference. I’m fine the way I am, no matter what anyone else thinks. People may worry but I know I’m on the right path. No matter what, I’ll fight to the end because I’m a bad ass.
Like how cool is that? It was a great way to start off a day with a meeting I was a little worried about. And guess what? I ROCKED it.

Therapeutic Thursdays: music as therapy

Posted on by Grayson

Music plays a huge role in my life.

When I was very little, I loved our piano. I sang non-stop until I was snapped at so badly by several adults that I stopped singing and became very self-conscious about it, as did my sister. I taught myself to play the piano and immersed myself in that instead, singing quietly.

Music has always been an escape for me, even now. I loved throwing on my headphones and dancing or brooding, depending on my age. As I’ve gotten older, teaching myself to play the ukulele has been one of the best things I’ve ever done. I love to play around with songs you don’t normally associate with the uke, like Nirvana, Foo Fighters, and hip-hop. (wanna check out some of my music? vids are here and music is here)

Growing to where I am okay with others hearing me sing or even play music has taken a long time. I used to not sing in front of T even, and that’s only changed in the last 2 years. Last year I even played in front of complete strangers! It was scary, but also very worth it. I’ve already got a concert set up for this year!

My journey with music has been very healing. Getting the confidence to play in front of people was scary, but it also pales in comparison to some of the other things I did last year.

I’ve made a few playlists on Spotify that I LOVE. The biggest though is my Spoonie Fighter playlist (also the reading music to the right of this post!). It not only has songs to match the moods we may go through, but also has uplifting songs to try to get us moving or to cheer us up.

I also have a playlist I’ve lovingly named ‘Bad Bitch‘ because it makes me feel empowered. It’s my feminist bad ass playlist – the one I listen to on my way to appointments, to work, and to big meetings. In short, it’s 75% Beyonce and Nicki Minaj because they’re both amazing feminist icons. It also helps me get my white girl rapping on.

I actually made this! Artsy me!

I also enjoy watching some of my favorite artists cover other songs.

What are some of your favorite songs? Do you have a playlist to pump you up on a bad day?

Love Songs to Arthur, Part Deux

Posted on by Grayson

I’ve already talked about my lovely feelings towards my disease and my horrible lover, Arthur.

I’ve ventured into a really artsy time in my life right now, and a large part of that is to get out anger I have – anger at Arthur, anger at failed medications and side effects, anger at people for not understanding or caring or for thinking I’m just a fat pig, etc, etc, etc. When I feel artsy, I don’t paint and I don’t work with clay. I dive into music.

I’ve always had a huge fear of performing in front of people – that fear of messing up and having all eyes on me (when I’m not sexy right then) judging what I do. But I figure that you guys have read about my sex life now, so we really are like best friends right?

A bit ago, I shared a link to my cover of “Fly” by Nicki Minaj and Rihanna – what I consider to be my theme song. I have since covered Lady Gaga (pre-Monster), Tim Minchin (please, look up his stuff now and thank me later), Gotye, and of course Her Diamonds by Rob Thomas.

So come check out my tumblr where I will be posting/sharing uplifting things about self-esteem and my musical skills in an effort to a) get over my public interaction/speaking/performing fears, b) get better at playing ukulele, and, c) share awesome songs that I absolutely love.

All Out of Spoons: A Parody

Posted on by Grayson

Watch me sing and play this on my ukulele!
Enjoy!

I’m lying alone with my head on the bed,
Thinking of how much I hurt
I know you hurt too. What else can we do?
Tormented and torn apart.

I wish I could carry a bag full of spoons
For times when my energy’s low.
Stealing the spoons that tomorrow would bring
For today, it’s just such a new low.

I’m all out of spoons. I’m so lost without you.
Don’t think that it’s right, you leaving me so long.
I’m all out of spoons. What am I without you?
Already too late to know moving was so wrong.

I want someone to carry me home
And away from this awful pain.
I’m reaching it’s true, but we all feel it too.
This feeling the day is night.

But what would you say if I gave you some spoons
To get you through your day?
There’s no easy way.
It gets harder every day.
Don’t use your spoons ’til they’re gone!

I’m all out of spoons. I’m so lost without you.
Don’t think that it’s right, you leaving me so long.
I’m all out of spoons. What am I without you?
Already too late to know moving was so wrong.

Oh I need another cup of
Joe! I need another cup of
I need another cup of
Another cup of Joe!

I’m all out of spoons. I’m so lost without you.
Don’t think that it’s right, you leaving me so long.
I’m all out of spoons. What am I without you?
Already too late to know moving was so wrong.

I’m all out of spoons. I’m so lost without you.
Don’t think that it’s right, you leaving me so long.
I’m all out of spoons. What am I without you?
Already too late to know moving was so wrong.

I’m all out of spoons. I’m so lost without you.
Don’t think that it’s right, you leaving me so long.
I’m all out of spoons. What am I without you?
Already too late to know moving was so wrong.

Theme Song

Posted on by Grayson
If my blog had a theme song, what would it be?

I think the point of this post is to write lyrics and think of what kind of music would lay the background for the song. I’ve actually written a lot of songs in the past, mostly in high school. They were either way entirely too over the heels in love or very angsty. A teenage girl being angsty, go figure. To be completely honest though, there is one song right now that kind of serves as a theme song.

One little known thing about me is that in addition to loving to sing and play my ukulele, I love to rap. I love listening to the beats and trying to conquer tough songs. One of my absolute favorite artists right now is Nicki Minaj. Some people don’t like her because she’s over the top. I say that her being over the top is because she, like so many of us, can’t be defined by societal standards. Think of a Lady Gaga/Lil Wayne baby and you have Nicki.

Except that she’s more than that. To me, she’s a huge inspiration. She runs her own business, and she sees the sexism in the business world and the double standards. But she tries to not let those things get to her.

Her recently released CD has a number of songs I love on it, like Starships. I think that it really captures a lot of how I can act. But Pink Friday, the CD released at the end of 2010, also has some amazing songs. My favorite, hands down, is entitled “Fly.”

If you want to hear me sing, play ukulele, and rap (hahahaha oh my), click here to listen to my acoustic rendition of the song. For everyone else, Nicki’s version is here and I’ll post the lyrics below.

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly

Uhh, yo, yo

I wish today it would rain all day Maybe that’ll kinda make the pain go away Trying to forgive you for abandoning me Praying but I think I’m still an angel away

Angel away, yeah strange in a way Maybe that is why I chase strangers away They got their guns out aiming at me But I become Neo when they aiming at me

Me, me, me against them Me against enemies, me against friends Somehow they both seem to become one A sea full of sharks and they all smell blood

They start coming and I start rising Must be surprising, I’m just surmising I win, thrive, soar, higher, higher, higher More fire

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly

Uhh, yo, yo Everybody wanna try to box me in Suffocatin’ every time it locks me in Paint they own pictures than they crop me in But I will remain where the top begins

Cause I am not a word, I am not a line I am not a girl that can ever be defined I am not fly, I am levitation I represent an entire generation

I hear the criticism loud and clear That is how I know that the time is near So we become alive in a time of fear And I ain’t got no muthafuckin’ time to spare

Cry my eyes out for days upon days Such a heavy burden placed upon me But when you go hard your nay’s become yay’s Yankee Stadium with Jay’s and Kanye’s

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly

Get ready for it Get ready for it Get ready for it I came to win

Get ready for it Get ready for it Get ready for it I came to win

I came to win, to fight, to conquer, to thrive I came to win, to survive, to prosper, to rise To fly To fly

Another Chapter in MTX Land

Posted on by Grayson

I had a doctor’s appointment today. Well, a nurse practitioner.

She was awesome.

I did labs, including peeing all over my hand in a cup, and an x ray of my lower back. I’m holding my MTX dose this week to see if the back pain and hand pain subsides. If there is something wrong with MTX and me, then I’ll move onto leflunomide. From what she says, it’s essentially MTX but less crazy.

That’s pretty good, because at this point I’m about ready to not work ever again with the pain I’ve been in the past few days. Yesterday was easily one of the worst days of my life. And I still worked. Because I called in the day before.

I already arranged to have Thursday and Friday off this week as well. Last night, I felt a break in the pain, and then things got a lot better, but I just want to take it easy here for a few days. I’m exhausted after working through that pain.

I’m just hoping for some answers on what’s going on here. It’s imperative that I get them, so that I know how to proceed at this point.

In other news, my celiac tests came back negative, so that’s good. And I’ve discovered Spotify, so my love of jazz is growing exponentially.

Mmm blues and jazz.

La Vie Boheme

Posted on by Grayson

The latest Patients For A Moment (or PFAM) blog carnival topic focuses on music, which I absolutely love. Phylor has asked us to explore, essentially, the soundtrack to our illness. I find it funny timing that she would pick this topic. Here’s why.

Last Sunday, while amping myself up for my wisdom tooth surgery the following Tuesday, I did something that I’ve always wanted to do. I woke up late. I popped open a gigantic bottle of Arbor Mist Sangria, my favorite wine. And proceeded to drink… while watching the Blu-Ray DVD Rent: Filmed Live on Broadway. It is the filmed final performance of the one play that I can say changed my life.

When I was in high school, I was in an abusive relationship with this kid pretty much from my sophomore year until graduation, give or take a few break-ups in-between. My senior year of high school is when the bulk of the break-ups came, because I realized what a bad situation I was in and I knew I needed to get out. Up until then, I had a kind of ‘whatever’ mentality regarding things. I knew that people didn’t believe I had an illness, especially with the lack of doctor’s visits due to my family’s income. I figured that I had found the best I could get – which clearly I now know was so far off.

The biggest change my senior year of high school was that my best friend, my uncle Nathan, moved back to Eugene with his family. Having just gotten out of the army, they moved in with us. Nate has always been a huge help and encouragement to me. So when he and his wife introduced Rent to me while I was home sick for a few days, my eyes opened up to a lot of things. Each time I listen to or watch Rent, I take something new away from it. While I enjoy the movie, released in 2005, I will always love the music itself more. But watching the actual play, on Broadway, was sadly something that I wasn’t able to do. So when I saw this DVD last weekend at Barnes & Noble on clearance, I snatched it up quickly.

If you don’t know the basic story line of Rent, it’s about a group of friends dealing with disease, discrimination, relationship issues, poverty – life, essentially.

Here are just a few of my favorite songs and lyrics from Rent:

One Song Glory:

Find/the one song/before the virus takes hold/glory/like a sunset/one song/to redeem this empty life/time flies/and then no need to endure anymore/time dies

Life Support:

Look I find some of what you teach suspect/because I’m used to relying on intellect/but I try to open up to what I don’t know/because reason says I should’ve died/three years ago

Will I:

Will I lose my dignity?/Will someone care?/Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare?

But my favorite song above all is I’ll Cover You. If I posted it, I’d just end up posting the whole thing. The lyrics are here and the song itself is here. The reprise is here and, no matter how many times I watch or listen to this play, I can usually hold back tears except for when Collins begins to sing. His relationship with Angel is so sweet and, spoiler alert, when Angel dies because of AIDS, it is the saddest thing.

But not all of the music from Rent is sad! Check out songs like La Vie Boheme and Out Tonight. Rent has something for just about everyone, and is truly a celebration of life – with all the good and bad included. That’s why I really think it is the soundtrack to my illness. I have good times, bad times, and horrible times as well. There are times when I want to go out and dance my butt off, and other times where I feel like no one is there for me and I’m all alone dealing with my disease.