“Who lives, who dies, who tells your story.”

A line from the play Hamilton asks: “Who lives, who dies, who tells your story.” What do you want your legacy to be?

Let me tell you what I wish I’d known
When I was young and dreamed of glory
You have no control
Who lives, who dies, who tells your story
With Aunt Brenda passing and having the ability to spend time with my fellow health activists, this was already on my mind.
It’s a part of why I’ve picked up my meditation practice again and why, although I’m busy, I have more free time.
Thanks, Quirk Books!
I want to change the world for the better for everyone BUT I also know that it isn’t fair to potentially neglect my loved ones in order to do so, actually thanks to Hamilton.
Thanks, Giphy!
I’m certainly not talking less, but I am smiling more.
Thanks, Giphy!
I’m still getting the job done, but I’m taking into account some of the things that Hamilton should have listened to.
Thanks, Tumblr!
I’m doing things in a more focused way, too, which leads to more dancing.
Thanks, Giphy!
Thanks, Odyssey!
Thanks, Odyssey!
Thanks, Odyssey!
Anyhow, back to the telling the story bit.
Thanks, Giphy!
I am not naive. I know that I haven’t necessarily made friends of a million people. I’m pretty inflexible where my values are concerned (especially regarding ableism, racism, sexism, classism, etc).
I’m proud of that.
Thanks, Odyssey!
I’m proud of standing up for others.
I’m proud of helping patients navigate and letting them know what physicians end up dealing with.
I’m proud of being cloyingly sweet until I’m not.
I want these things to be my legacy. I want people to recognize how important it is to stand next to your values, to advance your cause without stepping on the causes of others, to help without doing harm.
I know that I’m a hippie, but hear me out:
We as patient activists and advocates have a unique shot at being able to help both sides understand the current state of healthcare and provide motivation for change. We have the ability to erase the barriers and silos, not only in healthcare as a whole but also in our online communities.
I have a shot to make the world better, not only for patients with my illnesses but for others.
Thanks, Odyssey!

 

Energy Drainers

Do you have the option to cut yourself off from your biggest energy drainer? If you do, what stops you from walking away from this project, mindset or person?

It’s not a secret that I have no relationship with my mother. It’s unfortunate that it got to this point. However, for me, it was about wasting energy that is extremely precious to me due to the fatigue and energy issues caused by my chronic illnesses.
The Spoon Theory is a great way to highlight this. I only have so many spoons (or units of energy) every day and that can change by the second.
Yes, my bathroom is Tardis-themed
One of the major factors in cutting my mother out of my life was that I was spending so much energy on trying to help her with her medical and mental health issues that I was neglecting other parts of my life – relationships with others, especially my sister, and my own health.
I would drive two hours to try to stage an intervention that she would act like impacted her deeply, but didn’t change anything. I’ve lost count of how many times my sister and I have tried things like this.
Spending this energy no doubt contributed to me having to drop out of school due to health issues during my first go-round of graduate school. It certainly contributed to my depression issues when she accused me of being an alcoholic for drinking a wine cooler at 5 pm on a Monday – one of a pack of thirty that it took me MONTHS to finish.
The hard thing about my mother is that she always plays the victim or the martyr. Even now, I am horrible for cutting her out of my life and for spouting my dirty damned lies. The fact that a majority of her family doesn’t interact with her or has done the same just means we’ve corrupted each other – not that anything might fundamentally be wrong with her or how she interacts with/treats others.
It took me a while to get there, but I’ve always known that in some way or another I needed separation.
It’s a weird feeling to be almost divorced from her. After all, covert incest is totally how I was raised.
But it is good. I am rid of the majority of my anxiety issues. My depression has gotten much better. Even my chronic illnesses have improved leaps and bounds without the stress of trying to help someone who not only doesn’t want the help but actively creates conflict between you and your sister so she can step in and console you both.
She needs to feel needed.
I don’t need her anymore.
My advice would be to evaluate the people around you and to really examine who might be leeching energy away from you that you need to have Quality of Life.
If you can’t alter that relationship, it’s okay to walk away. It doesn’t make you a bad person.
Your future self would thank you for it.

 

Charging… 90%

How do you recharge?

Last week, I talked about how integral the piggies are in helping me get energized.
I mean, you cannot be sad and spoon-less while looking at these babies.
Spending time with them does wonders for me. It helps me focus on taking care of myself in a selfless way because I have to be there for them.
It makes it easier to be nice to myself.
When I was in New York at the beginning of the month, it really struck me how much they help me to gain energy and use it wisely… how instrumental they are in helping me rest but also be active.
I seriously missed my boys beyond what words can convey.
When working on building skills for EMDR, I actually picked as my safe place a scene that plays out at least once a week.
The boys take turns running around on the floor and I play with them.
T is getting better at joining in, but in EMDR I see him playing one of his games.
We’re all happy and interacting even though we may be doing different things.
It is the safest I’ve ever felt in my entire life, and it gives me the energy to do what’s best for me and for our furry little family.
Now I want to hear about you – how do YOU recharge?

 

The energizer piggies!

Tell us about three people who always make you feel energized and inspired by spending time with them.

It’s funny who and what we consider to be energizing, isn’t it?
Coffee? YES.
Parents? Not so much.
Other people? It depends for this mix of intro- and extrovert.
My guinea pigs? Always.
From left to right: Oreo, Jaq, and Gus
These three boys have the power to cheer me up, calm me down, and give me energy on my worst fatigue days.
They never fail.
Before I started on antidepressants about this time last year, I had a really rough couple of days. I would never do anything to my babies, but I started thinking about what would happen if I did.
And it was really gross and scary. I hated every minute of it. My dreams were awful.
The good news is that this helped me get help I really needed both in the form of meds and restarting therapy.
These boys are 110% the reason I’m here right now.
I know that not everyone views animals as equal to human life like I do. This whole concept of guinea pigs saving my life probably sounds strange if you’re one of those people. If I had a puppy, though, would the reaction be different?
I guarantee it.
These three boys are as much a part of my life and my thoughts as any human child I may have in the future could be.
They just have the added bonus of giving me energy instead of taking it away.

 

Balancing Stress

How do you balance taking care of your health with all the other stressors of life?

Balance is something that I never really learned in my childhood. Aside from the physical balance of riding a bike, which I finally did on my honeymoon, I didn’t learn to balance other things. I was, for all intents and purposes, an emotional toy for my mother.

The biggest balancing I did was trying to keep her sane. In the end, I learned that no one person can do that for another, and we had to part ways. That separation did wonders for me, though. I have learned so much more about myself since May 4, 2014, than in the previous 26 years of my life.

It also eliminated a major stressor for me – trying to fix my family. I no longer had to expose myself to racist, ableist, discriminatory comments to try to help others. I could just help people who actually wanted and needed that help. I stopped trying to stage interventions. I stopped spending precious energy on a black hole.

For the first few months, this created slightly more stress. I had fear about Mother and her husband lashing out. We moved shortly after this without giving them our address, so I feared they would find me. I feared being cornered by all of that hatred and unpredictable anger.

After my wedding, after dancing with my husband and eating cake and feeling so much love, I knew that I was in the best place of my life. My anxiety and depression are more under control today than they’ve ever been. My PTSD has had ups and downs but is manageable.

In eliminating that major stress from my life, my health issues improved dramatically.

I have no doubt that learning how much of a badass I am, how to advocate for myself, and how to stop making health care mistakes helped. I don’t think, though, that these steps would’ve been possible without standing up for myself at the core – without eliminating so much ick from my life.

All of these things led to me finding a rheumatologist who ‘gets’ me. She’s hip on research, patient advocacy, and patient data.

And she put me on Kineret which has completely changed my life.

I have to balance my stress, stay physically active, and be right on top of my medication schedule and the like.

If I don’t, I wind up hugging a foam roller, crying, and generally feeling like death.

Yoga

Have you ever tried yoga? What is your favourite pose?

I’ve been doing yoga and meditating since I was roughly 12-years-old. That’s the one good thing Cosmopolitan Magazine introduced me to.

Shortly after I started, I could even do shoulder stands. It’s pretty impressive, given my lack of physical activity and the presence of multiple chronic illnesses.

As of this time last year, I stopped practicing for a while. I had awful hip bursitis, and my rheumatologist and I were worried about putting all my weight on some of my joints.

Now that I’ve been through some pretty intense physical therapy, I’m slowly starting again.

For the moment, my favorite pose is probably the bridge (the second Babar down on the right). It helps to strengthen so many of my joints and muscles, something that I desperately need. Doing it with my feet on a pilates ball makes it more difficult, but AMAZING.

Have you tried yoga? If so, what is YOUR favorite pose?

Balancing Guilty Pleasures and Healthy Things

Do you feel like you have a good balance between what is good for you and guilty pleasures?

Honestly? Probably not.

I eat a lot of sweets and other unhealthy foods. Part of it is a habit from growing up. Part of it is the pain relief that pleasures release in our brains.

However, in the last two months, my cravings for such things have died down. I believe part of the reason is that my SJIA and fibro – the two biggest pains in my ass, literally and figuratively – are mostly under control. I simply don’t need that pain relief like I did before.

The other part is annoying. I’m not very hungry anymore. I wasn’t feeling well around the same time this started and that seems to have limited my appetite in general.

I’m learning to listen more to my body, as well. This all came about while I was doing physical therapy twice a week, so being more active I’m sure has helped as well.

In the meantime, I’ve lost about ten pounds. I’m happy to have lost them, but the appetite thing is concerning still.

I generally tend to be very spontaneous versus thinking things through, like Heart from my favorite comic series.

I feel like I have little willpower, which is something I’ve been working on at least. T is a lot like Brain, so I think that helps.

But, I mean, there’s a reason Bat-Heart is tattooed on my shoulder…

I know that I am, like Bat-Heart, a work in progress, though.

 

Setting Limitations

What is one way you set limits for work invading home or home invading work?

I think this is a hard question for me to answer since in reality I have multiple roles that involve work at home.

My full-time day job is really dedicated to not allowing people to work outside of normal hours. I’m really grateful for this, because supporting around forty physicians could really take over someone’s life.

In the blogging and activism world, though, this is something I struggle with.

If I’m not blogging, then I’m engaging other activists and chronically amazing people in conversation, following a conference, participating in chats, and more.

The weekend before Christmas was the first weekend I’ve actually fully ‘taken off’ from everything in years and years. I simply existed – we did some final holiday shopping, wrapped gifts, and I napped A LOT.

It was so nice, to be so present and focused on the here and now instead of saving the world. Don’t get me wrong – if that was my whole life, I’d be eternally bored. However, it was a nice change of pace.

It allowed me, too, to focus on some other self-care/self-love practices that I want to improve upon like taking selfies.

I even bought a selfie stick to practice this more, since it was only $5 at Target.

In the past, there hasn’t been much balance to my life. I’ve either thrown my whole heart and soul into something or sat twiddling my thumbs (usually due to a lack of access to things like transportation, etc).

December taught me that I can still be an activist, still be involved in so much, without sacrificing my everything – time with my husband, with our guinea pigs, Skyping with my sister and niblings, etc.

My promise to them is to rest more like this, to recharge so that I can be the best sister, wife, and piggie momma that I can be.