I’ve been having COVID-19 symptoms for about a week now, though part of that is hindsight. Last week, I began having chills that progressed into a runny nose, sore throat, body aches, fatigue, minor cough, and fever. The local infectious disease peeps have determined that I need to be tested, and I’m definitely grateful for that!
I go tomorrow at 11:30 am for my nasal swab. I’ve heard it’s not very comfortable, so I’m not looking forward to it by any means.
I am scared. I’m scared of what the test might mean with either result. I’m worried about what else might be going on, should the test be negative…
But I’m terrified for what it might mean if it’s positive.
My symptoms haven’t been as severe as many people’s, but I think I know why. Rheumatologists and other doctors have hypothesized that kineret might help eliminate the cytokine storm COVID-19 causes that is often fatal. Why? Well, Macrophage Activation Syndrome is essentially a similar bodily reaction, and kineret treats that. Sobi, the drug’s manufacturer is running a clinical study to test this out. Throughout this time of being ill, I’ve continued to do my shot, and I really feel as though it’s made a major difference.
My partner doesn’t have my medication and has some different symptoms, including a nasty cough that we’re managing with a suppressant. I’m concerned about their symptoms and hope they’re able to get tested soon, too.
Despite all the change and turmoil I’ve been through in the past year, it really has been the best year. I’ve figured out who I am – including starting testosterone on January 23rd to be more masculine and affirm my gender identity. I learned more about how to care for my body and mind. I started a job I enjoy, despite how emotionally draining and underpaid it is. Hell, I started playing hockey, too, and I love every single minute of it. And, saving the best for last, I found a partner who sees me for me, laughs at my jokes, and whom I adore.
All of that makes this fear of what might happen more… salient. I know I’m not that healthy in the eyes of ableds and would likely be on the chopping block, should the US resemble Italy anytime soon. I know my life wouldn’t be as valuable to the economy or providers, etc… But I also know that I feel like I’ve just started truly living it as myself. To have it threatened because of capitalism and a pandemic is terrifying.
Most of all, I’m afraid for my partner. If something happens to me, I know they’ll be okay but they won’t be happy. If I’m sick, they’re guaranteed to be, too. What if they get really sick? I have seen these thoughts cross their mind several times lately and their anxiety level is so high.
For the first time, I’m far less afraid of death. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still horrified by the idea of dying, but it’s less panic-inducing when the concern is related to Ian or my sister and her kids.
It’s almost cathartic to know I have so much to lose now when it often didn’t feel that way before.
For now, all I can do is try to get some sleep tonight. It’s worse than sleeping as a kid before Christmas, especially given the level of enthusiasm I have for this nasal swab.
Stay safe, friends, and take this pandemic seriously.