Scared

I feel like I’m going through the coping and grieving stages of RA again. It’s not a bad thing per se, but it isn’t fun either. A couple days ago, I tried to act like nothing was wrong, even though I was literally about to pass out from being so exhausted and not taking care of myself right. Then I was just angry about it.

Now I’m scared…

• that starting school in the fall will make things worse again
• that moving out on my own will be a lot harder than I thought
• that the actual act of moving will consist of people doing most of it, or me trying too hard and hurting myself
• that this job has me on my feet too much
• that my pinky toes have gone from not pleasant looking to gross
• that my elbows have started aching for no ‘good’ reason
• that the people in my life will get tired of how much they have to help me and take care of me, and they’ll eventually disappear – I’ve read about so many relationships and friendships falling apart because of RA…
• that I won’t be able to go do the fun things I still haven’t done yet, like visiting Machu Picchu or going into the Grand Canyon or even dance at my wedding someday without feeling like I’m going to die afterwards
• that I’ll end up alone when I need help the most because I hate to be an inconvenience and I push everyone away, or tell them I’m fine when I pretty much never am
• that I don’t know whether I’m sharing enough of what’s going on with others, or too much – neither option is a good one